When you are in a relationship with an abusive person, it's common to form a trauma bond with them. Abusers will do everything they can to make this happen. They want you bound to them so they can control you and ensure you become co-dependent so that you won't leave. And if you try to leave, you will always end up coming back. The way they do this is, in the beginning of your relationship they will be overly affectionate and complimentary, give you all their attention, buy you gifts, whatever they can think of to win you over. You will become emotionally attached to them so when their real self starts to show, you'll automatically take yourself back to the start of the relationship where everything was "amazing" and convince yourself that that is their real self and one day they will go back to being that person. But they were never that person, they were putting on a mask. The person you saw after the beginning of your relationship is the real them.
Breaking a trauma bond is hard. You have to let go of the person you created in your mind. You have to give up all of your fantasies about the future with a person that never really existed. You have to admit to yourself that they are bad for you and accept that they will never change. Those are all the things that victims of abuse cling onto with all their might because it's what gets them through the relationship. Hope is a powerful thing.
When we think back to all the "good times" we had with an abuser, we have to be able to replace them with all of the bad times. Our brains are naturally wired to prioritise positive memories over bad ones, especially when we're in an abusive relationship and live in constant survival mode. When you think about a great trip you both took together, think about those other times when you were verbally abused, lied to and made to feel worthless. When you think about the movies you both used to like watching together, instead think about the times when you lay awake at night feeling anxious and crying, how you had to hide the truth from friends and family which made you completely isolated. One of the first steps in learning how to break a trauma bond is replacing those false "good" memories with the very real bad ones.
If you would like to learn more about how to break a trauma bond, why not join our NEW membership "The Inner Circle"? We will be uploading lots of exclusive courses including 'Breaking Trauma Bonds' which will give a much more in-depth and comprehensive guide on how to emotionally detach yourself from an abuser so you can move on and lead a much healthier, happier life.
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