DARVO is one of the most insidious tactics that an abuser uses. So What is DARVO?
DARVO stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender. Have you ever been told by your abuser that you're the abusive one? It's not true, but it's how abusers escape taking any accountability for their actions.
People who will use DARVO:
Abusers
Toxic people
Narcissists
Toxic workplaces
DARVO is a manipulation tactic. When the abuser is confronted with something they have done or a narrative that paints them as the bad person, they will:
1.Deny
This sounds like "That never happened", "I never did that" or anything that means they refuse to acknowledge anything that they have done wrong, even if it is something minor all the way up to serious crimes of abuse. The abuser will point blank to even agree that an event happened or happened they way in which you remember (Gaslighting will come into this too).
The more you try to get the abuser to understand or take accountability for what they've done, the more they will double down.
2. Attack
The abuser will first establish the denial but very quickly move onto attack, because it they are attacking someone then that person will naturally want to defend themselves and so the focus is off the abuser and their actions. They will use absolutely anything to attack you and put you down because you will get to a point where you feel like you can't defend yourself anymore and then you shut down and just want the argument to stop. Then, in future you won't bring up their actions as much as you don't want a repeat of DARVO. The abuser will attack you, your personality, your mental health, friends and family...absolutely anything that will get you to react and defend yourself because it's all about causing that reaction.
It can sound like "You're crazy", "This is why I didn't tell you, I knew you'd react like this", "You've got issues".
3.Reverse Victim & Offender
The final part of DARVO is where the abuser will switch the roles and act like the victim and paint you out to be the offender, or abuser. For example if an abuser raped someone they may say that the victim was "just crying rape" to get them into trouble. An abuser playing the victim is sadly incredibly common in that almost all of them do it. No doubt your toxic ex told your friends and family as part of their smear campaign about how awful you were or how they had to put up with so much. The abuser can take this even further and use DARVO with professionals and law enforcement agencies, going to police and telling them that YOU were the abusive one, not them.
I had a conversation with a police officer once who was a specially trained Domestic Abuse Liaison Officer and he told me that specialist officers are trained in dealing with abusers and recognise DARVO. One of the key things they look for is that an abuser will take no accountability whatsoever, whereas a victim (who as no accountability to take) always blames themselves in some way.
If DARVO is familiar to you, then we are here to help. We can support you as you heal from abuse and show you ways to overcome your trauma.
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