Betrayal is one of the hardest things to experience. We put our trust in people we think love and care about us because we know that we are committed to them and that we are loyal and couldn't imagine cheating. The reality is, not everyone has good intentions in a relationship and respect isn't always inevitable. Whether it's a one-night stand, emotional cheating or an affair, cheating hurts. But what is it about someone that makes them cheat? Is the phrase "once a cheat, always a cheat" true?
First of all, it's important to understand why people cheat in the first place. We are often led to believe, especially as women, that it's our fault. We've "let ourselves go" or "we don't want sex enough" or "we don't make an effort with our appearance". We drove them to seek out someone else because we were lacking in something. The truth is quite the opposite. It's not us that lack something, but the person who cheated that is. People who cheat usually have extremely low self-esteem. They have egos that need stroking and crave validation to feel good about themselves because they are unable to do it themselves. This is why many narcissists cheat as they thrive off validation and need it to boost their egos because deep down, they are very insecure. You could give someone everything; attention, affection, validation and unconditional love and they will still seek those things out elsewhere because what's better than having one person who makes you feel good about yourself? More than one person that makes you feel good about yourself!
So, is a cheater always a cheater? It really depends on the person. Cheating is never an accident. Even a one-night stand requires decision-making. Yes, it can be a mistake that someone regrets instantly but it was done knowingly and willingly in the moment. But there are instances where someone can cheat once and then never cheat again. The one thing that sets these people apart from those who will continue cheating in the future is therapy. Those who are truly and genuinely remorseful and disgusted by their behaviour and go to therapy (and have more than a couple of appointments just to tick a box) can get to the root cause of what it was that made them cheat in the first place. Low self-esteem and the need for validation from others are things that can usually be traced back to unhealed childhood wounds. Getting to the root cause of the problem can have great success rates when it comes to ensuring bad behaviour isn't repeated. Unfortunately, most people who cheat won't do this. They may feel bad for what they did but eventually, the urge will come back and they'll be powerless to stop it because they still carry that unhealed trauma and the only way they feel better is to seek validation from others. For many people who cheat, the act itself is a painkiller and not a cure. They feel good when they have someone giving them affection and attention but eventually, the painkiller wears off and those negative feelings come back.
All types of cheating behaviour are a choice. There is no excuse or justification for cheating in any circumstance. Even if you are the absolute worst person in the whole world, that is still no excuse for someone to cheat on you because there is always the option to leave. Cheating is the coward's way out whether someone does it to you so that you will leave them so they don't have to leave you or because they want to keep you around for the times when their affair partner isn't so they can keep a constant flow of attention. Like having their cake and eating it.
I often see people make the argument that "humans aren't supposed to be monogamous. We're animals and other animals don't commit to just one mate." This argument is completely invalid. When entering into a monogamous relationship or a marriage, we are committing to monogamy. We are committing to one person. Breaking that commitment and trying to argue that it's "normal" is deeply hurtful to the person who's been betrayed. Unless you are upfront about polyamory in the first instance, there is nothing "normal" about having multiple partners. There is also a safety issue. If someone has committed to their partner and then cheats on them with someone else, they could be putting their partner at risk from STIs and other diseases associated with sex. It can also be argued that cheating is a form of sexual assault. If you knowingly withhold information from your partner that takes away an element of consent. The likeliness that your partner would happily have sex with you knowing you are actively engaging in a sexual relationship with someone else is highly unlikely. By keeping that information a secret, your partner doesn't have all of the facts to give full consent.
Cheating is destructive, hurtful and inexcusable. It affects those who have been betrayed for a very long time because it destroys trust and self-worth. But serial cheats will never be happy or fulfilled. Even if you are no longer with the person who cheated on you and they're in another relationship, there will never be one singular person that will be enough for them and the cycle of cheating will continue and follow them through every other relationship they have in the future. And while it's not always true that someone who cheats on you doesn't love you or care about you, the only proof of that is if they are willing to make huge changes so that it never happens again because changed behaviour is the only acceptable apology for breaking someone's trust.
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